I. In Defense of Men.


Have you ever heard of the doctrine of imminence? The idea that Christ's return is always imminent, could occur at any time, and we can never know the day or the hour of His return.

I got to thinking that birthdays and anniversaries are like that to all those of us who have trouble remembering them.

In particular my gender is accused of forgetfulness of such things and I believe I have found a Biblical defense:

"No man knows the day or the hour..."

Therefore if I could remember such things I would be in violation of scripture.

But we can know the times and the seasons:

th1 5:1 But of the times and the seasons, brethren, ye have no need that I write unto you.

Yeah, my wife's birthday is sometime in february I think.

And our anniversary is in the first quarter. But I can't remember if that was fiscal quarter or calendar quarter.

Oh well, at least we (men) have a scripture to back us up now when we forget.

The truth shall set you free.

Why men in leadership?

God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise. That is why husbands frequently refer to their wives as "Confounded woman..."

II. How to Sound Like a Theologian.

Theological writings follow a definite style that may be a bit difficult to duplicate properly. To be taken seriously it is essential that you write with proper theological style. Having researched this at length, I thought some style and vocabulary notes might be helpful to the up and coming theologians out there.

Theological word of the day: Normative

nor·ma·tive adj. Of, relating to, or prescribing a norm or standard

Use this word as much as possible to sound like a theologian. Don't ever use the word "normal", as you will never be taken seriously if you do.

Example of its use in a sentence that follows theologian style:

The normative Christian experience in theological levity is cursorily and felicitously obtained through the vicarious method of perusing the works of one's peers.

Theological word of the day: Pejorative

pe·jor·a·tive adj. 2. Disparaging; belittling. --pe·jor·a·tive n. A disparaging or belittling word or expression. --pe·jor“a·tive·ly adv.

When belittling or otherwise disparaging someone who is criticising you this is absolutely the best word to use. It accuses them of being critical without you having to admit you are also being critical.

Example of its use in a sentence, following theologian style:

In regards to my esteemed colleague's pejoratave and obtuse remarks towards my own infallible opinions...

Theological word of the day: Sophistry

soph·is·try n., pl. soph·is·tries. 1. Plausible but fallacious argumentation. 2. A plausible but misleading or fallacious argument.

Impugning the arguments of your opponents as mere sophistry is a good fallback if you can't find any obvious holes in your opponents thinking.

Note: Definitions from the American Heritage dictionary.

III. Effective Polemical Techniques.

The theological world is essentially a large amorphous debating society so you must learn effective techniques of eviscerating your opponents opinions without having to admit you are wrong.

Emotions triumph over logic every time

Just as Brutus learned the hard way that logical appeals fall short when Mark Antony's emotional attack swayed the crowd more than his logical argument (the crowd proceeded to lynch Brutus), just so you can deflect the most superb logical attack by resorting to emotional appeals. Never mind that Brutus was right, it didn't matter then and it won't matter now.

Note: The Bard gives us this object lesson in human nature in his work "Julius Caesar".

The straw man attack

This time-tested apologetic method is a sure-fire way to prove yourself right and everyone else wrong. Construct a weak (but not too weak or you will get caught) version of the opposing argument and then proceed to shred it with your intellectual perspicacity. Everyone will be really impressed too.

Character assasination

If you can't trash the arguments, then by all means trash the person. Everyone is a sinner after all so if you look hard enough there is usually some dirt.

Guilt by association

This effective technique's value is its sheer simplicity, and the world is filled with many people who will meet your needs so you can draw upon it virtually at will.

Find a moron (or group of them) who agrees with your opponent (preferably a loud-mouthed flamer who writes in all caps), and accuse your opponent of being just like him. It works even better if the moron is a convicted criminal.

The argument that always works

If all else fails then simple insults will do. Creative insults carry more weight however.

VI. Seen on the Internet (chain letter humor of unknown origin).

A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors.

Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says that before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountians and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endevors.

Not to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the Chaos came from?"

V. Quotes of Note

VI. You Know You are a Charismaniac if...